Dividing an Estate

[Viajante]

As a trustee, how do you divide up undesignated family heirlooms peacefully?

[jennykatz]

Hopefully you can have each of them pick one thing and then start over until all is gone The stuff no one wants give to Salvation Army they seem to do the best Good Luck it’s a thankless job

[Rossue]

Having been there no one will be fully satisfied, however a starting point would be to ask who would like what.

[Bobbie54]

Originally Posted by jennykatz

Hopefully you can have each of them pick one thing and then start over until all is gone The stuff no one wants give to Salvation Army they seem to do the best Good Luck it’s a thankless job

Maybe draw straws for first pick. But if the item in contention is valuable, it should count as part of that person's inheritance. The problem is, if two people badly want the same thing, someone (at least one) will be unhappy about the solution.

[Kent]

Originally Posted by Viajante

As a trustee, how do you divide up undesignated family heirlooms peacefully?

Take everything of value, put a price on it. Divide by number of family members and who ever wants the individual item pays the others their share. You will quickly find out, who really wants what. Everything remaining sell and divide the proceeds.


When my mother passed, I put my sister-in-laws in her craft sewing room and they divided everything up with no issues. With regards to her jewelry, we put everything on kitchen table and everyone took what they wanted and rest was donated.


I was fortunate as we were prepared with wills, living wills etc. and no one had any issues and no probate court was needed.

[NW Cat Owner]

When my mom died I had my relatives go through her apartment with different colored stickie notes. I left and they put their note and name on what they wanted. I told them it was okay if more than one person wanted something. Then everyone left and I decided who got what since I was the executor of her estate. The few things of value were already set aside to be sold and split between my brother and I. There was only one squabble and that was from a very spoiled young boy that hadn't learned the meaning of "no" (and yet was old enough to know that). I ignored him.


Good luck!

[snowmtn]

An additional 'rule' that our family has used is that if a family member gave the deceased a particular item they had the option of having it returned to them. In other words, if my brother gave our dad a TV set he could get it back if he wanted it.

[CADreamin]

We handled my mother-in-law's estate in the same way Kent did -- put everything out and each person took what they wanted (in order). No issues; however, we were left with a lot of "stuff" which was either donated or sold and the profits divided. Of course, as executor, my husband told his siblings early on that, should there be ANY disagreements, everything was going to be sold and the money divided. Since most everyone wanted some memento, things went very smoothly.

[Iowa Dave]

Sometimes it goes right, sometimes it goes wrong. I have noticed that once in a while there’s a side comment made years later about a split where family members had no idea someone wanted something they didn’t get. My mom had a sewing box made out of cherry from the farm. I had it in the garage and was planning to donate it. My brother was visiting and I casually asked him if he wanted the old sewing box. He was very thankful to get it, did not know the history behind it, and considers it a treasure. I would have felt bad if I’d given it away and I’m glad he’s enjoying it. You never know.
Iowa Dave

[Tford]

My mom made me her executor, and before she passed away from cancer every time a sibling came by the house she gave them "their color" post it note to put on what they wanted then told all that I would break all ties as my decision....we all lived with it and there wasn't a lot of acrimony.

[Mary LG]

Hi, To add to the good comments so far and as a former CFP, financial planner, (this was a common question) a great resource is the book, Who Gets Grandma's Yellow Pie Plate by Marlene Stum of the University of Minnesota. It provides great ideas and methods for passing on family treasures and dividing an estate.

Here is a link to a youtube video from the Kansas State Extension program on Who Gets Grandma's Yellow Pie Plate program.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mkVqUwwuif8

[gbaglo]

Friend of mine, now deceased, often related the tale of grandpa's p*ss pot and how the families got into an argument over possession after he died.

My buddy was a child when the event occurred, and even though the families lived two blocks from one another, he was never allowed to play with his cousins. Feud lasted until all were dead themselves. No idea who got the chamber pot in the end.
Same friend had no contact with nieces and nephews until he was in his eighties when one called to ask if they could get their inheritance early ( they wanted to buy a house ).

When my friend died, these same relatives were spending their money before they got it. Came as a surprise to them that he had a will, registered with the government, and they weren't in it, except for a chair and a lamp.

[War Eagle]

It can get a little tricky with sentimental items. Of all the things, when my grandparents passed away, several siblings and cousins all really wanted the fob from Grandpa's pocket watch (not the watch itself). Grandpa always wore bib overalls and carried his pocket watch in a chest pocket, and we all cherished the memories of sitting on Grandpa's lap and playing with the fob while toddlers. It was finally agreed to pass it down, eldest child to eldest child, etc. Bottom line - all were happy to keep it in the family and "play" with it again from time to time during family get-togethers.

[Jim Bennett]

I have seen families torn because of distribution of family assets, and this makes me sad. It also makes me wonder how strong the bond was in the first place though.

I count my blessings that on both sides of our family these things have been dealt with in a very amicable manner. In fact, we tend to go overboard to make sure everyone else is getting their fair share of the assets and memorabilia. We do have a very close family, one yet to see in the immediate members face any divorce or separation. Maybe we are an anomaly like many like to point out (though for other reasons).

[LarryandLiz]

This is a most interesting thread! Thanks for the conversation.

I think it depends on if the elder(s) the deceased died suddenly or slowly declined into old age. Also, it would be helpful if any forward thinking conversations have taken place. In my case, my mother (91 with dementia), father died about five years ago) had begun giving items away as family members visited (before dementia kicked in). That way, Mom’s wishes controlled what items moved out of the condo. Now as one of the executors we have minimal items to deal with since Mom is in an old folks home.

I’m wondering though if other Forum Members struggle with what do do with memorable written documents. For example, I have my grandmother’s Russian passport with mom and grandmother pictured in it (mom was a year old) information about the immigrant ship. And on it goes... my father’s military information. An overseas printed Christmas Day menu from 1945, my Dad’s university diploma. And lots more about 20 pieces of written family memorabilia.

This is what I’m trying to do: I’m scanning everything in digital format with the view to email everything out as PDF attachments to the entire clan. Last night I also dreamt up the idea of a shared DropBox file which all family can access for viewing. But I’m still stuck on what to do with the actual Documents. I think i might just open up the issue for an entire family clan discussion. I might just give them to the oldest grandchild.

A final thought (warning) us siblings knew that Dad was keeping a diary. It turns out there are 9 little books of daily events about 20 to 25 years worth BUT also interspersed with his daily activities are my father’s reflections on EACH of his SIX CHILDREN and their dramas/character. Now what to do? My advise is don’t leave written sh*t around for your kids to deal with after you’ve died.

[Seneca]

Keep in mind, that a lot of arguments over sentimental stuff are 'pretextual'--the item itself is the excuse for revisiting ancient sores, slights, disagreements, and so on. This is also true in the context of divorce.

So much depends on the family dynamic among the heirs. If it's good, all of the suggestions above (and various combinations) are going to work. If it's not, none of them will. (One minor suggestion for those who decide to draw lots and take turns, is a 'snake draft'--in other words, if four heirs draw straws 1-2-3-4, in the second round, the selection order is 4-3-2-1, round three reverts to 1-2-3-4, and so on.)

In our family, both my parents (over 90) went into assisted living this time last year, and we are kind of addressing the situation piecemeal. Fortunately, the priority for my brother and sister is making good decisions for our still living parents, and visiting them regularly, and figuring out what to do about the house, and so on, not the stuff. We're agreed that 'if you gave it to them, you can have it back', with my Dad's full concurrence, I've put his firearms collection on consignment, etc. The only snafu to date has been my Dad wants my brother to take a relatively new car that my brother doesn't want. My brother doesn't want to hurt his feelings, but doesn't want the car, either. Oh well. But that's not a family heirloom problem.

[Donna D.]

Originally Posted by Seneca

The only snafu to date has been my Dad wants my brother to take a relatively new car that my brother doesn't want. My brother doesn't want to hurt his feelings, but doesn't want the car, either. Oh well. But that's not a family heirloom problem.

Take the car, sell the car then put the money into a trust account for your Dad's grand kids further education... whatever that may look like.

[Iowa Dave]

I am the primary keeper of documents, photographs and other “historical” paperwork in our family. Though my children all knew their 3 grandparents who were alive while they were growing up, they have minimal knowledge of family history. In addition, somewhat disconcerting, is the fact that in their thirties and forties they do not have much interest in it either. As I personally process all sorts of heirlooms, I find myself putting written notes about their significance and history. I figured out that this is not specifically for them but rather a way that I can feel satisfied that I did what I could, when I could, to give them insight to parts of the family history. As the song says, “ it gives me a peaceful, easy feeling”. As many have observed, won’t matter to me when I’m gone. Through a trust we set up several years ago, there is a provision for simple description on notebook paper for an attachment regarding who gets what. Whenever we left my Mom’s place she always tried to give us stuff. Most of it was pretty insignificant. This led me to proclaim “the law of the Bohemie”. Never give away your good stuff.
Iowa Dave

[Greg A]

Had a lot of problems as executor of my parents estate with my only sibling mostly due to his wife (whom Mom's family has always referred to in-laws as out-laws ) I did get it settled per my parents wishes and instructions and my brother and his wife both passed away within two years of the settlement. Lesson in that always comes back to "you can't take it with you."
It's only stuff and it should never cause problems, but it often does.

[Viajante]

Thanks for all the suggestions and comments.

The basic process seems to be to let beneficiaries identify their preferences and sort out everything that is agreed or uncontested.

Then assign an order for picking the rest...draw straws, youngest to oldest, maybe reverse the order after each round. I noticed some people bypassed the picking round and broke the ties by executor authority. I'll bring that method up for discussion.

I think, during the pick rounds, If more than one person wants something I would let each person say why they want it. Maybe the person with the pick might reconsider with more information.

I like the "gift claim" idea. Anyone who gave a gift gets to claim it.

As far as putting a price on things then buying them from the estate, I would maybe use that if there were a few items significantly more valuable than the rest. But what we are talking about is mostly sentimental or historical value.

Tford's mother was clever: people who visited got the upper hand. Kind of like the must be present to win rule.

Several people mentioned written documents and pictures. Who will be the family archivist? I will look for a digitizing service.

I'm not anticipating problems as long as people buy into the process. People will go away happy. After all, as forum members know, I'm all about goodwill.