DATELINE ELKHART, IN. APRIL 1 2023
UmbrellaCorp LLC (NYSE: UBUM) Holdings, parent company of Forest Floor, manufacturers of BlisterWagon, JoyGo, StickLike, SoLamia, CalMiaCabins, Le Akron, SonoGoode, UltraTripe,
as well as countless other somewhat questionably badged travel trailer brands, announced today the acquisition of ETI Industries Inc. from KV Private Equity, Edmonton, AB, Canada.
At the announcement, UmbrellaCorp spokesperson Stanislaus Borgenspoon stated
"The Escape Trailer family is a fine addition to our grotesquely immense warehouse of brands" adding that "The quality inherent in our other products is sure to add a shine to the Escape name wherever one encounters it. "Speaking of encounters, due to the current 16-plus year backlog on deliveries with the newly acquired company, our shareholders are not currently "encountering" their accustomed and expected 12-15% Rate of Return on Investment, at least within the Escape portion (currently 0.08%) of our portfolio.
"Therefore we are announcing today the major expansion of production for the Escape brand. Two new(ish) assembly facilities are planned: one in the former Pineywoods Pressure Treated Wood Products Superfund Site in Del Boca Vista Florida, the other at the abandoned National Guard Armory and Firing Range in Sueños Muertos, Texas."
Mr Borgenspoon further stated "Both facilities are uniquely located: the Del Boca Vista site is equidistant between the local WalMart SuperDuperCenter and the Broward County office of Social Services, which should be a boon to our Team Members, should they ever find themselves in the position of needing either.
"The Sueños Muertos site is near to both an expansive, aged, and unusually well-oiled railyard and military hospital, "a unique combination of benefits if there ever was one.
"In addition, both sites are located adjacent to "flexible labor pools,” which Borgenspoon assured "would fix some of the "labor issues" that have plagued the "legacy plant" since the company transitioned from private ownership some 5 years ago.
In a somewhat testy question and answer period that followed the spokesperson's statements, when queried as to why Forest Floor Inc. didn't incorporate the manufacture of the Escape brand into its existing facilities in Elkhart, Mr. Borgenspoon appeared to mumble something incoherent into the microphone that some interpreted as "In the end I'm going to fire your ass" but others heard as "Indiana don't do fiberglass". He went on to state "As the manufacture of fiberglass trailers is new to our portfolio, the company feels it best that the "unprecedented opportunity of building something utterly unknown to us should be fully enmeshed within a workforce of trainee Team Members completely unfettered with "ideas'' or "experience", who will be learning on the job, in a multilingual setting, alongside the experts from our Elkhart Managerial Teams, from the ground up how to bring the Escape Trailer brand up to the standards of our unique industry".
Reporting from the near future at RVCon Elkhart, in the Axle Center for Mobile Adventure, J. Doe.
Mr. Stanislaus Borgenspoon represented UmbrellaCorp, an OccupyThis company.
Financial shenanigans and logistics for the ETI acquisition by UmbrellaCorp provided by:
Triad Bank of Bermuda, a subsidiary of BlackOps Financial Services.